Friendship
The other day I was talking to a friend in the school playground and I was amazed to hear her say how her 4 year old girl is worrying about friendships in the class – the game of finding that special friend – that no-one else has – your bessie mate! Even at 4 this seems a need we have to connect to others in an exclusive way. I’ve noticed this throughout my life that friendship is so important and yet so difficult to navigate. Men and women obviously do this whole ritual differently – ‘men are from mars and women from venus’ tells us just how different we are, and it’s so easy to see it. Even in the playground – the boys run around and play with whoever will play their game, whereas girls seem so bothered by being accepted by that particular person.
What are friendships for, and how do we cultivate them? Shows like ‘Sex in the city’ and ‘Friends’ have given us this rose tinted view that friends are easy to find and sustain. That we can have these magical relationships with people who seem so unsuited but miraculously can ‘do life’ together and stay together through all the life stages.
Of course some of us can keep friends for a long time and some friendships we have are priceless – people who you don’t see for ages and then when you do it’s like you saw them yesterday. Then there are those new people that come into our lives that spark interest, we can relate to, we laugh together and support each other. There are some that are just for a season or just part of a job or college group – that are great at the time but don’t last in the outside world.
As I’ve pondered about friendships I’ve also noticed that others do as well. We always seem to think we’re the only ones who feel alone or don’t connect with those around us, but when you have the open and honest conversations others usually feel the same! Why is that? Is it a cultural thing? In some cultures people go in and out of each other’s houses, sharing everything together and community really is community. Psychologists have coined a phrase ‘The Third Place’ which talks about our sense of belonging that we get from three main places – our home, our work and another (that could be the gym, pub, social club, church etc). The Third Place used to be the village hall, pub or street – now it’s difficult to find and for those of us who may feel we don’t get that sense of belonging from the 1st and 2nd place – that’s when loneliness can be devastating.
My conclusion is this – friendship is magic – it can uphold you when you really need it, inspire and motivate you, connect you to other humans and provide practical help and support in times of need. I’ve heard the phrase to ‘find a good friend be a good friend’ and that’s so true – we all need people to connect, understand and share life’s journey with us – if you have great friends appreciate them and if not then be a great friend to someone else today.
